I'm a cat show table worker,
An uncomplicated soul,
To please you dear Exhibitor
Is my one and only goal.
At l0am when judging starts
My day of toil begins,
Enough pens and files and papers
To fill two rubbish bins.
I've even got Breed Numbers Guide,
Council Rules and Regulations,
I have practiced my diplomacy,
I could calm ten warring nations.
I'm an expert in graphology
To translate those judges slips
And should they make an error
Not a curse will pass my lips.
An Exhibitor approaches,
I receive a verbal rocket,
But I cannot give that class result
With the slip in steward's pocket.
And so my dear Exhibitor
If you approach my table
With question or moan and groan
I'll help you if I'm able.
So don't get mad and scream and shout,
Don't stamp your foot and yell,
With a pleasant 'please' or 'thank you'
We'll get on very well.
Oh no! Here comes Show Manager,
I'm not working, as I oughta,
There'll be no three-course lunch for me,
Just a crust and glass of water.
I work my way through writing cards,
Rosettes and Best of Breed,
I know my C.C. from my P.C.,
I'm determined to succeed.
My deadline time is 3pm.,
Come on judges - make it snappy,
If I'm still waiting for results
Section Manager is not happy.

Alice T Harvey ©

I'm standing here face pale and drawn
It's cold and damp, not long since dawn.
Big butterflies invade my tum,
This cat show queue just makes me glum.
I'd love a secret tot of gin
Before I face this 'vetting in'.
The shuffling queue, my knocking knees,
The wailing of a Siamese,
Folks around me smile and chat,
Now why can't I relax like that?
I picture headline, "CAT EATS VET -
POLICE RECAPTURE USING NET".
The queue moves forward, here's the door,
I'm shown the way to Table Four
The steward, cool and calm and able
Disinfects formica table.
"Who have we here'?" says our young vet,
Oh dear he ain't seen nothing yet.
I introduce my Tiger Lily
And though to some it may sound silly
When she sees man in coat so white
It triggers Lil to tiger bite.
That' s why I hate this vetting in,
I never know what mood Lil's in.
Oh joy - she's fallen for his charms
She's like a purring babe in arms
The claws stay sheathed, fate has been kind,
At last my vetting in slip's signed.
We enter show hall, walk on air
No blood was shed, that's all I care.
The worst is over, now we're set
To win a nice big red rosette,
But a niggle in my mind won't budge,
Will Tiger Lily eat the judge'?

Alice T. Harvey ©

I'm sorry I'm not here today,
I'd have liked to say, "hello"
But I've been a rather naughty girl
And Must miss this Durham Show.
I tried to look my best for you,
The smartest cat you've seen,
With shining coat and shining eyes,
A classic tabby queen.
But I started pulling my hair out,
My front legs Went quite bald,
I know I shouldn't do it,
Over grooming it's been called.
The Boss says I'm neurotic,
"It's a Habit," says my vet,
My breeder thinks I'm broody,
Would you like to place a bet?
So I'm at home - relaxing,
I can eat and snooze all day,
If the choice was home or show pen
I know which one I'd say.
Last night the Boss was talking schedules,
To myself I'd say "Beware",
Better to hide behind the sofa,
Pluck another tuft of hair,
My gaze is quite inscrutable,
Am I smart or am I silly,
I'll let you be the judge of that,
But I know- Tiger Lily

Alice T. Harvey ©

I'm going to a cat show and I think it's quite exciting,
I'm told the food's not haute cuisine but the shopping sounds inviting.
I'm going with our Aveline - she's got a Siamese,
It's long and thin and snooty and very hard to please.
It's sort of fawn with grey bits but I'm told the points are blue,
The only blue thing was the air when it piddled on my shoe.
I've not had much to do with cats - they appear to be complex.
They seem to think they own the house and are so obsessed with sex.

Well I've come home from the cat show and what a day it's been,
There were cats there by the hundred, the most I've ever seen.
Our Aveline, she showed me up - she said she wasn't happy,
She said her Siamese was robbed and punched this judging chappy.
He fell back on his trolley, it collapsed upon the floor,
Our Aveline, with knuckles bared, said "Get up and have some more".
Show Manager came on the scene and said, "This isn't funny",
"Pack up your bags and take your cat - this will surely cost you money"
But now I see how folks get hooked - it can be a big attraction,
I'll buy a cat and boxing gloves - I want some of the action,
But Governing Council won't approve - "Oh no, we can't have that!"
So I'll stay home with moggy pals curled up on fireside mat.

Alice T. Harvey ©

I'm a pacifist cat, sitting here on my mat
Meditating in front of the fire
Nothing makes me show claws on my round velvet paws
Though my blood pressure may just ease higher

I have never killed birds or miaowed naughty words
I have the greatest respect for policemen
And when that ginger marauder crossed over my border
I just lifted a paw and said "Peace, man"

I never chase voles from their grassy bank holes
Though they scamper around just to taunt me
And I never poke frogs or Rottweiler dogs
In case one should come back to haunt me

Written over my door it says "Make love, not War"
But romancing a queen I find tricky
Since my strongest urge yet was to scratch at the vet
Who snipped and tied bows round my dicky

But my Achilles heel is the way that I feel
At a cat show and I must concede
For me winning is vital, I must have that title
Open class "first" and of course Best of Breed

Alice T Harvey ©

There is a cat of world renown
Known as the fastest paw in town.
He hunts, he stalks, he kills his prey
With just one swipe I've heard folks say.

No bird, no bee, no butterfly
Escaped that fearful glinting eye
And then would strike that lightning paw
Alas - his victim breathed no more.

This hunter-killer cat sensation
Earned a fearsome reputation.
Even dogs would run away
When Mister Mog strolled down their way.

"We must end this terror reign."
Cried out the Mayor in golden chain.
"Who can help sort out this mess
I know, let's call the S.A.S."

The Army tried to catch that cat
But they failed - well fancy that!
The cat crept up on their right flank
And swiped out a new Chieftain tank.

Now things were getting out of hand
With scarce a bird left in the land.
The Queen proclaimed she'd give a shilling
To anyone who'd stop the killing.

A little girl with sparkling eyes
Said "Queen, I'd like to claim that prize.
Come listen and my plan I'll tell,
Around cat's neck I'll hang a bell."

The cat he catches birds no more
Despite that furry lightning paw.
His whereabouts the birds can tell
By listening to that jingling bell.

This nonsense rhyme I now will end
With Mister Mog the birdies' friend.
His change of heart won't last forever
I know him well - his name is TREVOR!

Alice T Harvey ©

That night when a thousand stars were bright
And one above beamed down its light
I padded over the crackling straw
And made a nest with my silken paw

My body was laden, I was tired
Peace for my kittens was all I desired
As the oxen breath soft-warmed the place
A couple came in dear embrace

He called her Mary, helped her lie down
Suddenly the straw became star-down
Like me, she laboured all through the night
I mewed and she smiled in dawn's gold light

With gentle hand she stroked my fur
Comforted by my contented purr
And ever since that day it is said
An "M" would be on a tabby's head.

Barbara Joyce ©

I want to be like Arthur
He's the hero I admire.
I know advertising cat food
Is the life that I desire.

I want to be like Arthur
I'd never look a mess
My white coat would be spotless
Whenever I met the Press.

I want to be like Arthur
I could be his feline buddy
There must be an occasion
When he needs an understudy

I want to be like Arthur
Have the glamour and the fame
I'd have no nerves or tantrums
'Cos I know the cat show game

I want to be like Arthur
A model cat, that's me.
I'd proudly tread the catwalk
Filming ads for I.T.V.

Oh I so want to be like Arthur
But I'll see what fortune brings
For now enjoy the spotlight Arthur
'Cos Harvey's waiting in the wings.

"Harvey" Hudson ©

The schedule came for Durham Show
My chance of fame - I'd like to go
I checked each Council S.O.P.
But nothing seemed to look like me.

A Persian beauty, there's a thought
But that's not me, my hair's too short
Perhaps a Bombay, but alack
I really have to be all black.

Now Abyssinian - fur like rabbit!
Do they eat lettuce'? Not my habit!
This one could be me, a Manx
But have my tail chopped off'? No thanks!

A Russian Blue'? That's grey I see
But blue or grey just isn't me.
A Siamese with svelte-like figure
Oh no! My tummy's much, much bigger.

I'm not a toy so there's no muddle
Those peaceful Ragdolls love a cuddle
The Turkish Van likes his fur wet
If he wants fish then use a net.

Perhaps the show bench ain't for me
I'm special - I'm Non-Pedigree
I am unique, of that I'm Proud
I'm "MOGGY" let me miaow it loud.
And just two things I do desire
A nice full turn and cosy fire.

Alice T Harvey ©

My name is Tiger Lily
Half of me is Oriental
I 'm a pretty classic tabby
And my temperament is gentle.
I entered pussy "showbiz"
In nineteen ninety eight
I did three shows and loved it
Those red rosettes were great!
The judges came to handle me
I 'd pose and do my duty
People stopped beside my pen
And said "Oh - isn't she a beauty!"
At home I' d do things wicked
Sometimes I was not nice
The Boss said I had attitude
And called me 'Moggy Spice".
But then I started thinking
A mind blowing revelation
I could strike a blow for show cats
And the British moggy nation.
My next two shows were wonderful
Each hissing, spitting hour
I showed those judges "attitude"
I showed them 'MOGGYPOWER!"
They simply couldn't handle me
And though it may sound silly
Think twice before you name your cat
Cos I'm truly "TIGER" Lily

Alice T. Harvey ©